A WIFE'S PERSPECTIVE
Let me introduce myself-
Arun Krishnaswamy
Jun 6, 2001
Let me introduce myself-
I am Ram's wife or the boss as he calls me jokingly-
as my son says Mum makes the little decisions but Dad is the REAL Boss!!
The past year has been very difficult for all of us- I sat on the sidelines wondering what jolt of lightening had hit our family. Here was my husband, hale and hearty suddenly struck down with a debilitating illness who no one could really explain.
Here were these endless stream of doctors we saw, each one bringing a new hope and each one not being able to really tell us why and what caused it and what to do.
Maybe if I share some of my feelings with the rest of you , you may understand or emphathize.
Anger? Hell yes. Intense anger at ' why us?'
Because you see I already consider myself punished enough-I am an insulin dependant diabetic and have been so for 32 years.
Did I not have enough to deal with?
But the anger focus changed when the other facts came to light. Why did his higher than normal blood platelet condition not get the attention it deserved?
Why was his first admission into the emergency section of the
hospital not actioned properly?
Why were we told of a PICA bypass surgery when there was possibly no existence of this artery?
Anger only lasts though until you know you have to get on with life and the process of living.
Remorse?
Why yes.
Why did I call him a lazy slob when he could not run
on the treadmill like I did? Or complained of being zonked out in the morning when I was really alive? The signs were there but I thought the causes were different.
Acceptance?
Can anyone ever really accept everything ? Well that depends on your definition of acceptance. There are the up days and I get notes from Ram entitled ''a Good day" and then there are the down days when I have to sympathise and not be a mollycoddling wife- but to be a support
- for me that has been the hardest- to be a support and positive and not show how scared I was really feeling deep inside.
Where to from now? A year ago I would have said...lets take each day at a time. Now I still say lets take each day at a time but I think we both know that there is a future for us. The road has been long and hard and is not over yet but Ram's positive attitude has never ceased to amaze me. His tenacity in questioning everything that I would have accepted as the truth has always left me lost for words.
I would have given up a long time ago but not him. And his taking time to establish this website to help others does not surprise me-I always told him he was a sort of a healer and a good mentor, not a noise control engineer although his knowledge of fluid dynamics does explain the blood flow problems better to a lay person like me and drives the medical doctors to distraction!!!
I hope some of you can relate to my difficulties in dealing with a partner ill with VAD ( or CAD) and those of you who have the problem can realise how hard it is for your loved ones when they really want to help but look on without anything to offer.....
Rgds
Arun
